006: ‘The Chav’
Updated: Apr 8
The peoples' guide to chavs.
Word of the week: 'Chav'- a young person in Britain of a type stereotypically known for engaging in aggressively loutish behaviour, especially when in groups and for wearing flashy jewellery and athletic casual clothing.
This is my definition of a great British chav:
You can't get rid of them; you can't escape them. Sightings of a proper English chav are common and nothing out of the blue for anyone within the UK. The UK has a rich culture of cunty and outlandish behaviour, which has fuelled the fire which I like to call the 'chav-idelica'. The normality in this country is becoming increasingly hostile, with more people becoming complete dicks to one another. They come in all shapes and sizes. Tall, lanky ones that look like one heavy gust of wind would be able to shoot them into the stratosphere. The short fat ones with the unmistakable, severe condition known to most people as 'short man syndrome', 'shorty syndrome' or my favourite ', dwarf fury'. Anything from an accidental drink spill to a lightly brushing past them. No one in the club is safe. An encounter with such people can range depending on what type of chav:
Chavs (that travel) or 'gipsies'- are spotted through their love of anything gold or horseback. One of the more dangerous types of 'chav'. It should be approached with extreme caution. With a long history of fighting and general outlandish behaviour, the usually 'gipsy chav' will have a criminal record before they can walk. Learning phrases like "Fuck off" and "pigs" to hail at any police officer before they can count to the number ten. Although counting to ten could be challenging for many.
Chav (with wealthy parents) or a 'RAH's'- Using mommy's money on everything they can get their hands on. These chavs are by far the most relentlessly self-obsessed out of the bunch. These people believe that their existence on this planet is far more important than anybody else around them, and they aren't afraid to share this idea. Being shipped to a boarding school at the early age of three didn't do them or their social skills any good. With sexual assault allegations flying in their direction, it's lucky daddy has friends in high places to make it disappear.
Chav (with money) or 'spice-boy'- These usually come as a cocaine dealer and are unmissable with their almost uniform style: McQueen shoes, extra tight skinny jeans, Valentino t-shirt (All the same) with the optimal addition of a D squared cap. Festering and lurking in any mainstream bar, biting the shoulder of any girl that's unlucky to be within a 20-meter radius. Corny chat-up lines are thrown around like confetti between every 'lip-lick' to tackle the intensifying cocaine try mouth. Dipping fake tan into their Au vodka and coke (Anything but would be below them). The 'spice boy' by nature is a creature of habit and definitely one of the most regular chavs on the streets of the UK.
Chav (without money) or 'Scruff/crackhead'- Very different from the alternate chav, these possess a lot less self-respect and will usually be found having extremely aggressive confutations in the city centre or on metro journeys (either or. They don't seem to favour any, anytime anywhere). Whether it's passed out in the middle of town, these people are in a world of their own. I do myself on accession and entertain myself by watching them see what they do next; you just don't know what they will do next. Social norms just don't apply to these people. I have to reassure myself that my journey in this life won't turn into theirs. I do often wonder if this type of chav crosses borders. For example, war and destruction have decimated the population in places like Syria. Will the local 'Stormin' Norman' or 'Divvy Sharon' still be pacing it down the city centre, asking innocent bystanders for change? Asking underage kids to get them cheap vodka because there banned from the liquor shop. Or is this a phenomenon that enders at our borders?
Anyone who knows me knows that I hold all chavs in a special place in my heart. I have an almost love, hate relationship with them. Ranting at how they make different social situations uncomfortable for me. From clubs to pubs to parks, you've got a prick in everyone. Spice boys invading the clubs, and you've got crackheads prowling the city centres. The UK is full of outright outrageous people. That's what's made us so fucking special.
Any chavs touched by the topics addressed in today’s pieces, please message me at: www.getafuckinglife.co.uk or alternatively www.yourscumoftheearth.com
Signing off, Justified Passion.